Hakkai Teaches: Cooking
by nekozuki1776
Summary: The title says it all. Hakkai teaches the Sanzo group how to cook. Rated for strong language.


**RATING:** PG-13 (strong language)

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Saiyuki manga, anime or any of its characters. Minekura Kazuya is the owner of all great things that is Saiyuki.

_Another installment in the Hakkai Teaches series.__ This time, Hakkai instructs the Sanzo-ikkou how to cook. _

* * *

_**Hakkai Teaches: Cooking**_

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_By: Nekozuki1776_

"Culinary is related to the cookery of food, stems from the Latin word culinarius which means kitchen. It is the technical or industrial processing of food . . ." (1)

_How in the name of everything that is holy did this happen?_

It was a question that Goku, Gojyo, and Sanzo asked themselves again and again over the drone of Hakkai's painfully thorough lecture.

In the previous evening, the Sanzo-ikkou had been playing a friendly betting game of poker. After many rounds of losses and waaay too much beer, the prior three formed an alliance to bet all or nothing on the final round to win back their losings. Hakkai amicably agreed.

Many hours and countless "final" do or die battles later, it was the general consensus amongst the defeated three that Hakkai was a freaky son of a bitch with more luck than the Lucky Charms leprechaun himself.

The final showdown occurred around 6am, when the barely lucid, conquered group agreed to the task of learning the culinary arts and promised to prepare supper for the following evening as a punishment for their loss.

Six hours of disturbing sleep later, it was with this seal to their fate did they begrudgingly acknowledge their cooking instructor that cheerfully waltzed into the kitchen classroom and began his soliloquy on the joys of cooking.

The tired and/or hungover members of the defeated trio tried to pay attention as Hakkai finished what seemed to be the first of many parts of his lecture.

"Any questions so far?"

His energetic voice dragged the exhausted trio to the present as they desperately wished to wake up from their bad dream; to be anywhere than where they were at that moment.

A loud yawn by Goku was heard followed by a fatigued, "What's _co-li-na-ry_? Does that taste good?"

"Baka-zaru are you even paying attention?" Gojyo, who wasn't paying attention, turned to the carefree speaker, "Look Hakkai, as much as we enjoy your commentary, don't you think we should move this along so we can have the food ready before dinner time?"

A mumble of assent was heard by the blond monk as he growled in a lower voice, "Ch, where the hell does he get all his energy?"

Not slighted in the least, Hakkai nodded and smiled at the unenthused audience and got to the point.

"Very well everyone, let's begin. I have put together a list of dishes that each of you will be responsible for." Hakkai gave each of them an index card with names of the dishes and instructions for the preparation. "I will help you every step of the way but here is an outline just in case. Now is everyone ready?"

The three students looked at each other in their apron clad attire and let out a simultaneous sigh, "Hai sensei."

This wasn't a bad dream. This was a nightmare.

"As you can see written on the index cards, we will be making a simple yet delicious Italian dinner. Goku is in charge of preparing the soup, salad and garlic bread, Gojyo will be making spaghetti with meatballs, and Sanzo will be in charge of the dessert."

"Sanzo? In charge of dessert? Not fair! I want to do that! What makes him so special that he gets to make desert?

"The monk making dessert? Ha! I'd like to see that! Whatcha makin'? Angel food cake? Or maybe devil's food chocolate is more your type?"

Whack! Whack!

o-o-o-o-o-o

1 HOUR LATER

"Gojyo it might be safer to use a hand knife rather than your shakujyo to cut the tomatoes . . . "

"Goku, stop using your nyoibo as a mixing device!"

"Sanzo, maybe you can stop reading the newspaper and join us. . ."

"Ch. According to the directions on the box, all I need to do is to mix all the stuff together and bake."

"Well, that is basically true but there is also the frosting and the decorations for the cake to prepare too."

Gojyo picked up the said cake mix and started laughing.

"Hey Sanzo, you kind of look like the woman on the box here." He pointed to the picture of an apron-clad, fair-skinned blond on the golden cake mix holding a whisk in one hand and a bundt pan in the other.

"Just say one more word and I'll purify you to kingdom come!"

o-o-o-o-o-o

2 HOURS LATER

"The soup smells delicious Goku. Now just let it simmer under low heat while you prepare the bread and the salad."

"Great job on the spaghetti sauce Gojyo! Now let's boil some water for the pasta."

"Ch. You couldn't boil water if you tried."

"I can boil you anytime monk!"

"I don't think so. But I'll bet you'll be boiling once I could exorcise your ass to hell."

"Maa maa, Gojyo, look for a big pot and fill it with water and a pinch of salt. And Sanzo, if you could help me with the clean-up here."

"Hey the cake's in the oven, why do I have to do that?"

"I just thought that maybe you could help me wash the mixing bowls and dishes here. . ."

"Ch. Fine."

o-o-o-o-o-o

Brrring!

"Wonderful, the cake is done!"

"Oi Goku, get the cake out of the oven!"

"Why do I have to do it Sanzo? That's not my job!"

"Hakkai and I are busy washing the dishes you idiot! Do you want it to burn?"

Not needing any further prompting in fear of missing out on the cake, Goku quickly sped past him to do what he was ordered.

Distracted, some leftover batter from the bowl he was washing splattered on to Sanzo's robe.

"Damn it baka-zaru you made me spill batter on my robe."

"That's why you should have kept your apron on Sanzo."

Sanzo turned to Hakkai, stubbornly convinced that an apron, no matter what the situation, did NOT go well with a holy man's attire, "Ch. At least I placed my scripture aside."

Confirming his statement with a glance towards the kitchen counter, Sanzo's heart skipped a beat when he saw a vacant spot that was previously occupied with the sacred scroll.

"Hey where the hell is my scripture?"

At the same time, an excited Goku was taking the cake out of the oven.

"Ouch, ouch, that's hot!"

"Goku, why didn't you use the pot holders?"

"I am, but it's not doing any good!"

"You ass! That's not the pot holder, that's my scripture!"

"Uh oh."

"Fuck!!! When I'm done with you, you're going to wish that I never released you from that cage in the mountain!"

"Waah, sorry Sanzo. I didn't mean to. It was an honest mistake. Gojyo! Hakkai! Help meeeee!"

"I don't know squirt, that was a pretty stupid thing you did. I almost wouldn't blame the monk for killing you."

Hakkai nodded in assent but relented a few minutes later, "Now Sanzo, what Goku did was unacceptable but look, the scroll seem to be unaffected and Goku did say it was a mistake."

After many attempts of calming the irate monk and reassuring Goku that although mad, Sanzo was NOT going to bake him in the oven and feed him to Hakuryuu, the group returned back to some level of normalcy.

o-o-o-o-o-o

1 HOUR LATER

"The dishes look great everyone! There are now just a finishing touches to be made."

"Goku, could you please grab the cheesecloth so I can drain the mozzarella I picked up from the market this morning? We'll shred them and sprinkle some on top of the garlic bread before toasting them. It'll taste great."

"What's a cheese cloth Hakkai?"

"It's a thin gauze type of a cloth often used like a sieve to drain excess moisture from products such as fresh mozzarella."

Before he can hand it over to Hakkai, Gojyo grabs it from Goku, grins wickedly and unfolds the translucent cloth over his chest.

"Hey look, I'm the Merciful Goddess! I like to show off my boobs!" (2)

(Somewhere up in the heavens, a certain irritated goddess is prevented by her frantic assistant, Jiroushin, from commanding the Heavenly Guards to attack the oblivious water sprite.)

"You're such an ero-kappa Gojyo. Only a pervert like you would come up with something like that! Now give me back the cheese cloth!"

"Not unless you say _please_. Anyway, what would an inexperienced monkey like you know what I'm talking about?"

"Enough to know that you're nothing but a woman stalking lecher you pervert!"

"That's it! I've had enough, you smartass! I'm gonna kick your butt to Houtou!"

"Bet you can't!"

"Bet I can! I can take you and the monk on with one had tied behind my back!"

"Hey don't bring me into your childish fight! What do I have to do with this?"

"Because you're bothering the hell out me houshi-sama! You got the easiest job of mixing a bunch of ingredients and sticking it in the oven. You were reading the newspaper most of the time!"

"Hey, I still have to decorate the damn cake. And maybe Hakkai realized I was a natural at cooking and I didn't need the disciplinary measures to improve my skills unlike some idiots."

"My spaghetti sauce came out great and you know it! At least I didn't have my pet doing my work for me!"

"Hey I just took the cake out of the oven!"

"And you couldn't even get that right! What a moron! Just like your owner!"

"Everyone, maybe we should just sit down and enjoy some tea I just brewed-"

"That's it. You're both dead!"

"Bring it on!"

"Yeah!"

Distinct sounds of bangs, clatterings, and crashes could be heard as bullets, shakujyou blades and the nyoibo punctured, sliced, and broke all appliances within a reaching distance.

A few minutes later, an overturned cake, a knocked down soup tureen, and an upturned pot of spaghetti sauce decorated the floor and the walls of the kitchen.

o-o-o-o-o-o

LATER IN THE EVENING

" . . . and we'll take three beers and a soda with that."

"Right away sir."

Four distinctly different males sat in a Chinese restaurant--each in various stages of hunger, tiredness, irritation, contentment.

"Hey Hakkai, you forgot to order the meatbuns! What about the meatbuns?"

"Shut up monkey! You've already caused enough trouble today!"

"Hey, it wasn't just me you cockroach!"

"Well you caused the most damage with your baka-zaru powers!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Just shut the fuck up before I shoot the both of you!"

"Maa, maa everyone. What matters is that all's well that ends well. The owners of the inn we're surprisingly understanding for the mess and the damage we caused to their kitchen and it only took a little over an hour to clean up."

"Damn it. Just one more expense I have to explain on the gold card. . ."

"Ahaha. The important thing now is that we're all settled down ready to eat a nice meal."

And as if it was the most natural thing in the world, Hakkai smiled as if on cue and added, "In the meantime, how about a friendly game after dinner?"

Three pairs of eyes shot up at the green-eyed youkai, staring in disbelief for his nerve, guts, and glory for mentioning such a thing after what they went through.

But sound reasoning gave way to determined stubbornness of never walking away from a challenge.

"Ch. Fine. But this time, losers pay up money and nothing else. Got it Hakkai?"

"Hai, hai. Of course," he replied amicably. "Whatever you want. . . Maybe we should order more beer."

"And some meatbuns too Hakkai. Lots of them!"

"And pan fried noodles."

"And some sake."

"Hai, hai."

_Yare, yare, they never learn._

-The End-

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

(1) Courtesy of Merriam-Webster Dictionary

(2) Read the manga to truly appreciate this particular banter. (smirk)

A/N(10.06.04) – I do not work for or am being sponsored by Lucky Charms. I don't even eat cereal. . .

Thank you kindly to those that reviewed, _Hakkai Teaches: The Internet_, JadeiteSpinel, Rie, Psycho-CJ, Omi, Mneme, and Silver Raven 014.

Rie: Yoo-hoo is a drink produced in the U.S. It's similar to chocolate milk, comes in a cheesy looking bottle, and is quite tasty!

Arigato for reading.


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